SHEEN pt. 4

SHEEN pt. 4

Published on April 1st, 2011 by Joel

BAM! I lied. There are five parts to this story. There is one more to come. Good thing, too, now that the whole Charlie Sheen thing has… you know… kinda gone all Borat/Napoleon Dynamite quote on us. “Have you heard about Charlie Sheen?” Actually, that seems like a pretty amusing stunt for me to play on people tomorrow. “DUDE, have you heard about Charlie Sheen yet??” I will get the most incredibly bored and unamused responses. I will follow up with, “He is SO CRAZY! Right?”

So there’s nothing quite like being caught in the middle of a discussion people around you are having about a TV show that you don’t watch. It is complete unintelligible noise. Even the most outward extrovert is left in the cold when this happens. Let’s say you’re talking to friends who are raving about a show you don’t watch. I don’t watch the show “Fringe”, so here’s pretty much how every conversation people have had about that around me has sounded:

“There’s the variables”

“And the doctor, alternate dimensions”

“J.J Abrams”

“Time travel paradox”

“The girl actor”

“Time travel alternate dimension paradoxes”

I know, of course, that I do this all the time too. When Lost was airing, I was a huge douche. If I met someone new, it was pretty likely one of the first questions I would ask (to gauge coolness) would be “Do you watch Lost”? And if the answer was yes, I would cut out every other person in the group to talk about WHAT EXACTLY IS THE SMOKE MONSTER etc etc. And there really is nothing worse, I’m sure, than hearing about Lost if you don’t care about Lost. (but srsly if you are predisposed about Lost I probably don’t have time for you…..)

There are some shows I fully expect to never be “in” on the conversation with. For example, when people talk about stuff like “One Tree Hill”. As my brain knows it, “One Tree Hill” is some show on the CW about some good looking kids who get pregnant and go to the school dance. The run-down my brain gets from conversations in this one go like this:

“Season five was so good”


“Abuse :(”


“I cried.”


I was thinking about how I would react if I actually sat down and watched one of the One Tree Hill episodes. I tried that with Gilmore Girls one time (because I am <3 with alexis bledel) and my brain nearly exploded on account of their HYPER QUICK BRAINS. I do NOT BELIEVE that a mother-daughter could be that snappy. Sample Gilmore Girls scene. (you probably don’t actually want to watch that). Anyways they are TOO FAST. No one is that thoughtful and witty in the course of 2:27. They clearly have the might of modestly skilled cable writers behind them.

But you know how people say “Ah, if you miss one episode of Dexter or Breaking Bad, you’ll be lost”! Apparently it’s the same with these CW shows. The plotlines are crazy! But I am going to try to UNDERSTAND One Tree Hill based solely on one Youtube clip. Then, whenever it comes up in casual conversation (likely?) I will be able to say confidently… “I got this.”

Here’s the clip I’m gonna watch. Watch with me, and experience my introduction to One Tree Hill. I will live transcribe.

Hand is getting something out of toaster. Not bread. AHHHHHHH TOASTER STRUDELS WHEN IS THE LAST TIME I’VE HAD THOSE??? is it a babe? Ugh maybe but she’s singing to herself about her pastry. Nobody does that, only characters on the CW do that. “Frosting doodle, on my strudel…”. OH THIS IS BAD. THIS IS BAD. “Quinn?” she pauses eating strudel “It’s time”. So that other girl is pregnant, I guess. This girl would not be this calm about having a baby unless she’s popped out a few dozen already. She is hardly frazzled. It’s supposed to be funny when in fact it is the opposite of that. PUT THE STRUDEL AWAY. “I don’t think I can fit in there!” Yeah, you have a pregnant belly and you’re not going to fit into a car. EVER HEARD OF FAT PEOPLE? just call an ambulance already you stupid ladies! “one tree hill 8/7 central this tuesday on the CW”

guess what I’ll be doing this tuesday at 8/7 central? probably eating strudels in silence.



Discussion (4)¬

  1. Eric Troyer says:

    Wow! Charlie Sheen sure had a clean carpet before the PIB commando team arrived. No, wait, I get it. It’s an April Fool! Oh, you guys got me good.

    By the way, nice “sheen” on the window. Nyuck, nyuck.

  2. bdh says:

    Dude, clearly we need updates!

  3. giga bitch says:

    whers the next sheen comic i really need to see it its been a long time since the last update pleaase update

  4. giga bitch says:

    come on i want my sheen comix 5