SHEEN pt. 2

SHEEN pt. 2

Published on March 18th, 2011 by Joel

I want you to know that:

A) I wrote this post at 12:08 AM on St. Patrick’s Day. Sooooo….


B) For some reason (ALL REASONS) I wrote it while listening to this.

That being said, this post will be really unfocused and potentially full of references to Lord of the Rings.

SCREW POTENTIALLY i want to talk about lord of the rings.

i really like the lord of the rings! i like ALL the characters.

there’s frodo baggins

who you really wouldn’t think would be the guy who would ultimately defeat Sauron. let’s be clear, Sauron looks like this:

LOOK OUT! that is about what my nightmares look like. a spiky dude surrounded by volcanoes about to rip my face off.

non sequitur –  I had braces when I was a kid and recently one tooth has been shifting. I think it’s cause I haven’t been wearing my retainer. So basically I have a mouth of straight teeth now and one crooked tooth. I always check it out and it unsettles me and makes me wish I wore my retainer. Last night I had a nightmare that I went back to the dentist and the dentist saw my one crooked tooth and decided that changes had to be MADE NOW. so he got out a scalpel and CUT OUT THE CROOKED TOOTH. totally cut it out!

so anyways there are a lot of other characters in the lord of the rings, like gimli…

i actually think gimli is the worst character in the whole movie series. he sorta got assigned the “comic relief” role…. most of his lines are “grumpy dwarf” lines. i haven’t watched the movies in a while but here’s how basically every scene with gimli goes down….
LEGOLAS: We have to be alert lest the orc hordes attack.

GIMLI: Hah! Us dwarves (me being a dwarf) are never unaware!

And yet his whole stupid race gets slaughtered in that cave. I think the perception of his race in the movies might be a metaphor, like “the dwarves might be small and grumpy but they are a prosperous people nonetheless”, but seriously why do they all have beards? that seems like a really lazy trait to assign to an entire race. Like JRR Tolkien needed to add another race and he was like “okay these guys all have beards and are midgets”. They are just short bearded grumpy men. That’s not a new race. Just like elves are just pretty people. I can dig Orcs. Orcs are a new creature. Elves are people with pointy ears and a big vocabulary. That’s not a race. Elves are English majors with big ears. Star Wars had it right. There were humans, big hairy Sasquatches, Robots, and Green-skinned aliens. NO CONFUSION. don’t try and tell me this is a new race!!!

Honestly, if I met an Elf in real life, I wouldn’t be amazed by their superior culture and diction. I would be very curious as to whether or not they had been home-schooled their whole life and as to whether they listened to death cab for cutie. I hate elves.

But clearly the best characters in the lord of the rings are the Ents.

YEAH! i love the Ents. FA-ROOOOM. why are those trees talking and why do they have faces? doesn’t matter.

i remember when i first read the lord of the rings and i think in the first book it says something like “the trees hear everything. they are watching” and you think it’s some poetic thing about how nature is aware of you and how nothing goes unnoticed, and then in book two the trees actually have like limbs and stuff and like human faces. and they have names. like “treebeard”. and that’s because he is actually a tree and he actually has a beard. ok. because trees would name themselves after their basic traits. like a tall human would be named “heightperson”. the Ents are so weird because they are surrounded by other, normal trees in the movies. they run through forests, and moan when the Orcs cut down normal trees. why don’t THOSE trees have limbs and funny names?? and why can the Ents sense when they are in danger? stupid. stupid. but it’s alllll worth it for that scene where the ents destroy isengard:

pretty rad. and then sam gives that speech that didn’t make me cry

that speech really makes you forget that the trees came to life and threw rocks at orcs. what are we watching????

OK but it doesn’t compare with THIS SPEECH that sam gives!!!
“i may not be able to carry it for you…….. but i can CARRY YOU!”

music swells….


they are brothers!!!!!! :( :(

im seriously gonna go watch clips of these masterpieces all night. good day to you.



  1. The Hobo Under Your Stairs says:

    “You’re Canadian.” – ROFL.

    Anyway, did you know that all the bad stuff in the LOTR series was all because of the elves? Everything was THEIR fault, and most of them decided to simply leave middle earth instead of trying to fix everything.