cirque du vampire


cirque du vampire

Published on October 23rd, 2009 by Joel

there are far too many vampire teen romance shows/movies out there these days. not that there are an acceptable level of vtrsms, but geez, man… now, i’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to this – if you chip in any money to these fads, then you are part of the problem – and i actually saw twilight. in theaters. i will never be able to unsee vampire teen drama.

but because of the teen vampire twilight multimillion cash mountain, there have popped up a couple of copycat shows, such as:

THE VAMPIRE DIARIES

thevampirediaries

i see advertisements for this show while watching reruns of friends (or as i like to call it, “thursday”). i don’t know anything about it, but i do feel qualified to summarize it for you: basically it’s this show on the CW about these vampires who write diaries and probably worry about who they are going to the prom with. the guy on the right is the equivalent of edward from twilight, the girl in the middle is bella from twilight, and the guy on the left is either the 3rd tier of the love triangle, or a werewolf. show rating: D-

CIRQUE DU FREAK: THE VAMPIRE’S ASSISTANT

cirque-du-freak-the-vampires-assistant-20090805002900405_640w

BOY, this looks bad. BOY! BOY, HOWDY. seriously, if you haven’t seen the trailer, check that out.

let’s break this down line by awful line.

JOHN C. REILLEY: Wanna become a Vampire?

KID: I’ll do it.

OH SO IT’S JUST THAT SIMPLE IS IT? KID, YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT. HE IS GOING TO BITE YOU. AND IT’S NOT ALL GLAMOUR AND ROMANCE BEING A VAMPIRE. YOU DON’T SPEND ALL DAY MAKING OUT WITH KRISTEN STEWART.

LET ME FILL YOU IN ON WHAT BEING A VAMPIRE IS ACTUALLY LIKE:

– NO GOING IN SUNLIGHT

– NO SATISFACTION WITHOUT THE DRINKING OF BLOOD

– IF YOU’RE ONE OF THE FRUITY TWILIGHT VAMPIRES YOUR SKIN BECOMES DIAMONDS IN SUNLIGHT FOR SOME REASON, BUT THAT WOULD SUCK PRETTY BAD TOO

SO MAYBE YOU WANNA THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU BECOME A VAMPIRE, KID? MAYBE GIVE IT MORE THAN TWO SECONDS THOUGHT BEFORE YOU SAY “I’LL DO IT”? THIS IS A BIG COMMITMENT YOU KNOW. moron.

JERK (after trainee runs into a sign): Awesome vampire power, man.

F*** you.

DOUCHEY KID: You’re a vampire, and you didn’t tell your best friend?

MAIN KID: [silence]

I guess I kinda understand why douchey kid would be upset. I mean, it is a big deal… a vampire, and you’re not even telling your best friend? Pretty low. You’ve been best friends for a long time. You don’t keep anything from each other. You need to have a transparent relationship.

on the other hand this movie looks so terrible.

honestly, movie studios are notorious for putting the best scenes from movies into trailers. but if this is the best they could come up with, than any tweens who gravitate towards any horror icon turned cutesy modern romance novel movies are in for a reeeeeal treat.

and “cirque du freak: the vampire’s assistant”? euuuch! horrible name! who’s gonna go see that? score: F-

i hear its based on a novel, but… no good.

i was thinking what non-traditional horror/fantasy topic one could easily turn into a children’s romance novel in return for a cash cow… of course vampires have twilight, wizards have harry potter… but nothing comes to mind. if you have any ideas of unlikely fantasy icons that could be exploited in return for millions of dollars, post your ideas in the comments…. and i will steal them….. and make riches………….

recent storied c + p’ed from my twitter:

This just happened- instructor: ‘my car says stuff like “the door is ajar.”‘ guy in class: ‘its not a jar, its a door!’ MAJOR EYE ROLL.

bonus twitter c + p!

Sitting in empty auditorium, saw my pesky button fly partly undone. Worked on it for awhile and looked up to see old woman watching

good luck in life!

jkd

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