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i forgot my laundry

Published on September 11th, 2009 by Joel

oops, just sat down to write this blog post and remembered i forgot to get my laundry out of the dryer downstairs close to four hours again now. inexplicably, there is only one dryer and one washer in this apartment complex, so when you forget to pick up your stuff, there’s almost certainly gonna be some colorful character waiting for you to move it. normally, i never forget – i picture some angry troll opening the dryer with his wet sopping overalls, ready to dry – and there he finds my assortment of apparel. he clearly becomes enraged at seeing my clothes – not only because he is unable to dry his stuff, but also because he is jealous of my fashion sense (totally completely a fabrication – i dress like i’m fifty. like i wouldn’t be surprised if i started tucking in my shirts soon). so then my imagination considers the possibilities at this point – and i always picture this guy getting so mad that he pees all over my stuff. i don’t know why. its irrational, sure. but as i would really dislike having my stuff peed on, i make sure that i retrieve it on time.

except for today, of course. be right back.

ok back. you know what i hate? public dryers. they’re so gross. probably one of the biggest things i’m ocd about. when you get your clothes back, there are almost definitely peculiar hairs stuck to you clothes. thing is, i’m not really a hairy guy. i desperately wish i could grow a beard. i grow stubble like a master. like, you haven’t met someone with better stubble than me. i dare you to find better stubble. but beards? no chance. my family is cursed with a no-beard clause. my older brother discovered this himself, and decided to use the product that bald people use on their heads…. on his face. seems crazy, but you don’t know what it’s like, man. especially since i once used one of those mall booth hair-adding contraptions, and man – i look pretty interesting with a beard. not interesting in the sense that the idea of me with a beard is intriguing, but interesting in the sense that if you saw me walkin’ around with a beard, you would want to get to know me. that sounds conceited… but geez. alas.

so i’ve been twitterin‘. like… a bit. every so often, i’ll get this weird urge to “tweet” (i refuse to use these buzzwords without quotations. like “vlog”? not a word you can use in everyday conversation). and when i get the urge to “tweet”, everything stops. until i think up an acceptable “tweet”. and for the most part, my 20 followers have been havin’ a WHALE of a time (dunno why i wrote that)! i know about 16 of these people myself, and the other 4? a complete mystery. one i will solve – they’re bots. twitter is relatively new, but the robots take over every site eventually. i don’t know if any of you ever blogged – on “blogger” – but because no one really cares about blogs anymore, it’s become a robot wasteland. if you write a blog on that site, you’ll probably get a few comments, but they’re all gonna be like this –

“hey! great post! if you want to get great deals of pharmaceuticals, for great prices, for cheap price, pleas check out my great new site!! thanks! – SALLY”

those are easily enough avoidable. but when someone “follows” you on twitter, you get curious. especially when they have a name like “cutiepie3918″. you have to check it out – maybe she’s the one!

but you go to their twitter site, and it’s all just the same junk, only in “tweet” form. showing that it’s only a matter of time until each site is taken over by robots, selling out to their dominating logic and generous offers. no site is free from this takeover, sadly.

incidentally, i just heard about this great deal on male enlargement pills. you know, at typical vendors, you could be paying up to $12.75 per pill! and, you know, that just seems ridiculous. thankfully, doctor shunzoo has come up with a revolutionary new formula that is easily produced for a fraction of the cost – but while keeping the medical marvel you trust. simply send us your check for $50.77, and you could be on your way to confidence in the locker room! wow!

just send your check to:

good in theory c/o dr. shunzoo PO BOX 39182120383 (product shipped from fiji, expect in 14-18 weeks).

you simply can’t afford to go without natural male enhancement any more!!! signed, shunzoo.

anyways….

no poop in bed this week. we will see you next week with a fantastical new entry, along with a blog post i just thought up now while late night tv plays in the background – wherein i will call one of those “date phone lines” – the ones that’re all “hey. i’m not goin’ out tonight. i’m callin’ quest.” and apparently they light candles and dress up and sit on loveseats and put on lipstick to call a phone line? right. fact is, the only people on those lines ever have got to be lonely 45 year old single fat men. talking to each other. “where the ladies at? am i right?”. actually i tire of that idea. that sounds pretty sad. poor 45 year old single men. maybe i’ll do it. we’ll see.

have a good one today folks

jkd

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run this town

Published on September 4th, 2009 by Joel

so in the comments section for last week’s poop in bed (it’s always a rowdy party in there! my my!) a gentleman asked for photographic proof of my free entertainment center (as though i would somehow decieve you!). well i held off on posting it, partly because of my immense lazyness and partly due to needing blog content. but, just for you, blog commenter:

took that pic with my horrible cell phone camera. im pretty sure i own like three digital cameras, but who knows where those are. i think i have the first edition of the cell phone camera ever produced – when you’re lookin into the screen, the picture isn’t live – when you move the phone around, it takes a second to catch up to what you were looking at. not only that, but the pictures it takes are so dark – even with all the filters on the phone turned on. that means “night mode”, “brightness” all the way up, etc…. and even then, everything is undistinguishable, which is why you see the lamp placed there, making the room look like it’s in the middle of a séance. i did host a séance earlier in the night, but that’s totally unrelated.

but there it is! totally free entertainment center. not too shabby.

a few friends came over today and we called a friend living in peru over skype. if you don’t know, skype is a program you download to call people anywhere in the world, completely free. i didn’t mean for that sentence to sound like such a plug. but anyways, we called this friend, chatted over video chat for about 20 mins, then logged off. almost immediately, we got a voice call request from some random named “ajb_88″ or something like that.

curious to a fault, i answered it. and because the username we were using was a female name, i tried putting on a female voice.

it was atrocious. it sounded closer to mickey mouse than a female. much closer.

but this guy seemed to buy it. the conversation went something like this.

ME: Hello?

AJB88: Hi how are you?

ME: Pretty good. How are you?

AJB 88: Good. How are you?

ME: Uh. Good. How are you?

AJB 88: Good. How are you?

at this point, i was pretty sure this was the equivilent of the yahoo chat bots – artificial intelligence which tricks you into talking to them and then stealthily sends you a virus. i dropped the mickey mouse voice.

ME: Oh, it’s a virus thing. It’s not a real person.

AJB 88: Who else is there with you? Who are you talking to?

mickey mouse voice on.

ME: Just the TV. The TV is on in the background.

AJB 88: Yes. Oh. Yes, the television.

ME: I have a dog named Goofy. [this did not phase him at all.]

AJB 88: How old are you? Are you a girl?

ME: Yes, I’m a 14 year old girl.

AJB 88: Do you have a webcam?

SKETCH. CENTRAL.

ME: Uhh.. yeah, I do.

AJB 88: We should speak over webcam.

ME: Why do you wanna speak over webcam?

AJB 88: I a computer teacher in Nigeria. I can help you with your schoolwork. Ok? Press “enable webcam”. Ok?

ME: Hold on a sec. I’m gonna grab my webcam.

AJB 88: OK. Yes. Thank you.

[i paused for a few seconds, then rustled the mic and put on my angriest voice]

ME: OK, BUDDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN’ TALKIN TO MY 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER LIKE THAT?

AJB 88: What? Hello Sir.

ME: HELLO NOTHING. WHAT WERE YOU TALKIN TO MY DAUGHTER ABOUT.

AJB 88: Ok Sir. I’m a computer teacher in Nigeria. I was going to teach her.

ME: OH YEAH? TEACH HER MICROSOFT WORD FROM HALFWAY ACROSS THE WORLD? I FIND THAT DOUBTFUL.

AJB 88: Ok Sir. I was going to teach about computers. Ok?

ME: You know, I always have problems with Microsoft Powerpoint. Do you know how to teach that?

AJB 88: Yes, Powerpoint, Excel, Word –

ME: JOKES ON YOU BUDDY. NOBODY USES POWERPOINT ANYMORE. POWERPOINT SUCKS.

AJB 88: [silence]

ME: STOP TALKING TO 14 YEAR OLDS AND GET SOME FRIENDS. THANKS. BYE.

i then proceeded to block him. which i hope hurt his feelings, creepo.

(Nathan’s note: No PiB because PAX is consuming my time. Sorry.)

sweet dreams!

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Guest PiB: Love Can Find Us Anywhere

Published on August 7th, 2009 by Nathan

(Today’s Poop in Bed was generously crafted by the profane and hilarious Polkster, who does the brilliant, but extremely offensive webcomic Polkout.)

This comic was inspired by my own inability to poop.  For two whole days I could not get the evil out of me–and as you’d imagine, it made me rather upset.  So after marathon sessions of stuffing fiber down my throat, the universe took pity on me and granted me the right to void my bowels.

But during this very same time–not precisely at the moment of bowel voiding, but within about a day or so of this miraculous event–Nate, creator or co-creator or whatever his deal is with GiT, asked me to make him a guest comic.  These black and white dealies.  I told him if I did it’d be about poop but he understood.  He knew my work.  He loves me.  We’re like platonic soul-mates… we laugh at the same jokes and like the same food and scratch each others’ backs when they itch… but our souls don’t actually mate.  What I’m saying is, Nate loves pooping too.  More than most men.  I’ve read his poop diary… there’s some poetic stuff in there.

-Polkster



Casual Conversation (new PiB)

Published on July 11th, 2009 by Nathan

I don’t know what is going on with Joel, but here is your comic.

I can assure you that his slacking, Canadian ass is fired.

-Nathan



oh me oh my

Published on July 11th, 2009 by Joel

blog post, am i right everybody?

whats that you say? it is not between the previously agreed upon hours of 2-4 pm? and instead is late into the night, closer to 4 AM? which presents a time discrepancy of at least 10 hours? oh, haha, you and your judgmental jumps to conclusions! of course, to the untrained eye it would seem that i dropped the ball and totally forgot to blog post! but in reality, i have just moved to malaysia, wherein the time is 3 pm on a gloriously breezy saturday afternoon. malaysians are going about their day, experiencing the malaysian weather patterns while following various common malaysian customs. they speak in their native malaysian tongue about common malaysian issues, such as the malaysian economy and malaysian political culture. ah, i am so glad that i have moved to malaysia, wherein i receive an additional 10-12 hours to write blog posts, and not the postings wherein they arrive frequently late and hurried, which would be extremely silly.

truth is! i fully intended on re-writing this post after having LOST IT ALL to the icy teat (?) of the internet last night. i was all set up and ready to go at 2 pm. then i turned on cable, and “sweeney todd: the demon barber of fleet street” was on. johnny depp was singing. you have to understand that something like that is simply something you do not shut off. i began to watch. a man on tv was eating a sandwich and “quiznos. quiznos. quiznos.” popped into my head, and i was driven by those words out the door and into the nearby store, where i purchased a beef and swiss melt on garlic bread, the greatest sandwich since peanut butter and banana (which i had for breakfast). then i went to the fair. and the fair was just about what you would expect. however i did eat a large chunk of what the carny called “iced fried dough”. big mistake.

iced fried dough + ring of fire ride = ring of iced fried dough puddle

very embarrassing.

anyways, i got home late and went right to bed. suddenly remembered the blog post at 4 am.

all of that to say – im sorry i ruined your saturdays. i know you woke up early and came to the blog and tapped “refresh” repeatedly. oh, you scamp. i just can’t satisfy your craving for my musings on my eating habits, can i?

now, last night i typed up an entirely different blog about phone bills (riveting). but mine has been ridiculously high the last few months (im talkin $110+ a month). now, im sorta new to the cell phone game so a “convenience charge”? i didn’t sign up for that. that seems unfair. like in school when teachers would say “you know, being here is privilege, not a right!”. well actually, with the way the law is, it sorta is a right. but its like cell phone companies are doing you a huge favor. “sure, we’ll let you use our services. pay us for the usage. but we still feel like you owe us, i mean, we put a lot of work into getting this all set up, you know.” so they slap you with weird fees! i dont like it one bit.

so i conducted some prank calls but only transcribed them as i went along. sadly when i lost the blog i lost the transcripts. so next week, ala my MJ call, i will REPRANK the phone companies and record those calls. im like robin hood, only i will get nothing accomplished and ruin a poor customer service employee’s day!

i’d do those calls now, but… y’know. fried dough’s gettin’ to me.

(i swear from now on ill get the blog posts done on time! please dont send me away. its cold and i have no place to sleep. i cant go back to geocities, i just cant.)

jkd

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